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Teen Parenting – Keeping The Balance

Keeping the Balance: Staying Friends with Your Teenagers & Raising Them To Be Happy & Successful Individuals

1. Introduction: Understanding Your Teenagers

Nobody said raising teenagers was easy. It’s a difficult balance trying to make sure your teens make the right choices without turning your home into a battle zone. Even teens who seemed to be happy and well-adjusted, can suddenly turn into sullen young adults and you’re not sure why. Teenagers are sensitive, they’re full of hormones and going through major changes with their bodies and in their lives. Add to that, they’re dealing with kids just like them every day. It’s easy to see how things can get a bit crazy for them.

Interestingly enough, a study out of University College England released in 2006, indicates that decision-making is not developed in the human brain until age 16. Other experimental studies seem to show that erratic behavior of our teenagers might be attributed to growth and changes in brain structure. This might further explain why it might be hard to understand why our teenagers act the way they do.

This guide’s goal is to give you practical advice to understand where your teenager might be coming from and how you can achieve the right balance that will show your children you care about them, instill good values and guide them into making right decisions in their lives.

2. The First Place to Start: A Good Home

A well-adjusted family is definitely the best thing you can offer your children. Of course, nobody is perfect and nobody expects you to be. Whether you’re a single parent, recently divorced or remarried, you can still offer your children a happy and stable home.

Here Are Some Ways to Establish That Stability:

* Nurture a kind, warm and close relationship with your children, everyone else in your household and your extended family. It’s not just your relationships with your teenager that is important. It’s how all the family members interact.

Avoid teasing, even when it’s done completely in fun. Teasing your son’s changing voice isn’t going to do anything for his self-esteem. If he’s sensitive about it, try to talk to him about it himself. Share your own stories and experiences. Be as supportive as you possibly can.

Children who experience caring and close relationships with their family are more likely to be social with other teenagers, struggle less frequently with depression, develop good relationships of their own and are more self-confident.

* Establish firm and caring boundaries & house rules. Your children should know what is and what isn’t acceptable behavior, particularly in regard to drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. It’s a good idea to involve your children in the establishment of the household rules and consequences. When they’re involved, they feel more empowered and will have a firmer understanding of the reasoning behind all the rules.

Even more beneficial, when children are involved in the rule and consequence-making process, they already know what they can expect to happen next and there should be less resistance to consequences. And as a parent, you’ll know exactly what to do next, making you much more confident in your choices.

* Know what your kids are doing. Make sure you know who are your teenager’s friends and what they do in their spare time. You can do this by showing genuine interest and concern for your child. No need to nag your kids about who they’re hanging around with. If you show the interest and concern from the beginning, they are more likely to share this information.

Encourage your children to bring their friends to the house and make your house a fun, and more importantly, safe place to be. Sure, it can be a pain to have a house full of noisy teenagers, but when you can see how your kids interact with their friends, you’ll have a much better handle on what’s going on in their lives.

You should also make an effort to get to know the parents of your child’s friends, especially if they’re spending time in their home. Invite them for coffee, dinner or try to chat at school functions. Your conversations should help you determine if you are on the same parenting and moral wavelength as these parents.

* Allow your teenager creative thinking and independence. Always listen to your children, respect their ideas, dreams and aspirations. Show them unconditional love even when they have ideas that differ from your own. Without that, your children will not be as open with you or others and won’t be willing to share as much of their personal lives and feelings.

For example, if they have career goals, you aren’t supportive of, really try to listen to their reasoning and be open to new ideas. Our children don’t always need to follow in our footsteps to be happy and successful.

* Spend time with your kids. As your children get older and become more independent, it may seem they don’t need you as much. Kids still need quality time with their parents. Whether, it’s enjoying a movie together or exploring some other interest your child has, make sure you regularly spend time together.

Forcing your teenager to go to church each Sunday or visiting a relative when they don’t want to, isn’t exactly spending quality time together. That doesn’t mean you necessarily have to stop doing those important things, but have some balance. Make sure your teenager is able to choose some of the activities you do together.

The added benefit is spending quality time together leads to better open communication. If your child always feels like you’re grilling him, he’ll be resistant to share, but if you’re just having a conversation while out on your latest fun-packed outing, it’s a completely different thing.

* Respect Their Right to Privacy. As children get older, their desire for privacy becomes greater. They often want more time on their own and spend more time in their bedroom. Many parents believe it’s their right to look through their teenagers rooms and to check up on them. However, that approach can cause more problems than solutions.

Just as we, as adults expect our privacy, our teenagers certainly deserve it for themselves. They have private thoughts, conversations and there is no reason parents need to be privy to everything.

A better way to know what your children are doing is to use the other tips in this guide. Talk to them, listen to them and spend time with them. Certainly, if something bigger is going on, they may not share it, but unless you feel their lives are truly in danger, respecting their privacy is important. If you do feel your child may be using drugs or is depressed, talk to them about it. If you think your conversation still warrants checking their belongings, do it together and do it in a caring manner. No fights or accusations. Tell them you are worried about them and you want to make sure they are okay.

If you decide to snoop around and then confront your child with what you find, it can get explosive and that doesn’t help anyone. In addition, the focus can easily be shifted from the actual problem to the fact that their privacy was invaded. Approach this in an open way and it will more likely come to a better resolution.

Even if you do what you can to encourage an open, supportive and close environment, problems still can and likely will arise. The remainder of this guide includes practical advice for handling many of the bumps in the road you might face raising a teenager.

3 Dealing with the Bumps in the Road

When our teenagers act wild, sometimes it’s easy to resort to anger or desperately trying to control our children. Instead of trying to control them, we need to deal with the behaviors that are taking place. Controlling our children simply makes them feel more cornered and rebellious, making the situation worse.

3.1 Dangers in Cyberspace: Life Wasn’t Like This When We Were Kids

Times are definitely changing and with the Internet and the growing amount of wireless advice, it’s pretty tough to keep tabs on our kids. We want to know that they’re safe, but we also want to ensure they have a sense of privacy.

A recent study conducted by Justin Patchin, Assistant Professor of Criminal Justice at the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, showed 91% of the profiles viewed for users 18 and under did not include full names and 40% of youth kept their profiles private from public view.

Unfortunately, the same study showed that 5% posted pictures of themselves in bathing suits or underwear. 15% of the profiles showed friends in bathing suits or underwear.

The positive thing to take from this study is that a lot of kids are being safe and just because our kids are online, doesn’t mean that they are getting themselves into trouble or are being targeted by predators. The Internet gives our children access to many more people (and gives many more people access to our children), but most children are going to use the same logic and common sense they apply to the offline world and won’t become victims to predators.

To ensure your kids are safe online, use the tips we already gave you earlier in this guide. Always:

If you think your children are spending too much time online, you can speak to them about it. Establish limits, with their input, and encourage other physical activities, spending time with friends and family members.

If you sense there truly is a problem and they may be involved in something dangerous, start a discussion about it. If you think you need to see what they’ve been doing online, go together. As mentioned earlier, snooping behind their back can just result in bigger problems.

3.2 Sex, Drugs & Alcohol: How to Talk to Your Kids

These are topics you’ll want to discuss with your kids before there is a problem. As a family, you can establish boundaries and consequences and come to a common understanding of what is expected.

Sex: According to Advocates for Youth, studies indicate that kids who talk to their parents about sex are less likely to engage in high-risk behavior, such as having sex without condoms. 70.6% of teenagers who reported they didn’t feel close to their parents had sex by age 17-19. That compares to 57.9% of kids who reported a close relationship.

It’s true. Not talking to your kids about sex isn’t that likely to keep them from doing it. But the reverse is also true. Talking to them about it, isn’t more likely to have them engaging in sexual activity. If it means having sexually active children behaving responsibly, talking things out can only help keep our kids safer.

If you think your child is already having sex, talk to them about it. Don’t get angry, but approach it in a calm and reasonable manner. Talk to them about your experiences and be honest. If your teenager has a boyfriend/girlfriend and things seem to be getting serious, initiate the conversation if you haven’t already. Above all, make sure they are being safe.

Drugs & Alcohol: Many experts agree that when parents talk to their kids about drugs and alcohol, those discussions are very likely to shape the child’s attitude about those topics.

Before you talk to your kids – educate yourself. Check with your school, library or online for the straight facts about drugs and alcohol. Simply telling your kids, “Drugs and alcohol are bad,” isn’t going to be as effective as truly illustrating the very real dangers of substance abuse. Try not to lecture, listen to what your kids have to say and really discuss the issues.

As always, keep it casual. If you spend time with your teenagers and keep the lines of communication open, bringing up the subject is much easier.

Signs of Drug & Alcohol Use: Look out for these tell-tale signs that your child might be using drugs or alcohol:

Realize that a lot of the above signs, especially near the beginning of the list, could mean different things. Teenagers who are depressed can act in similar ways. When approaching your child, don’t be accusatory. Try to connect with them and see what’s really happening in their lives.

3.3 Angry Teenagers: What Does It Mean?

Anger is a dangerous emotion and can cause teenagers to act out physically and verbally in a very damaging way. The one good thing about a child who expresses his anger is that it is an indication of a deeper problem and you can get to a solution more quickly. Teenagers who are extremely angry could be victims of abuse, suffering from depression, abusing alcohol or drugs, dealing with grief or other problems.

If your child is expressing bouts of anger, take a look at this behavior and try to determine what situations bring out the anger. Don’t fuel the anger by elevating your own emotions. Of course, if your child is causing physical harm to someone in your home, you need to take action. Even then – keep it calm - just do what you need to stop the abuse from occurring.

Talk to your teenager when emotions aren’t so high. Try to understand where they are coming from and really listen. Ensure they understand that mentally and physically abusive behavior isn’t acceptable. If they feel angry, give them the opportunity to express it or if they feel like they just need a bit of time alone, allow them to get that. Harassing an emotionally-charged youngster isn’t going to solve anything.

3. 4 Depression: If you think your child is depressed, it may not be as easy to sit down and talk to your child about it. In cases where children are abusing drugs or alcohol (which can also be a sign of depression), they are aware that they are participating in forbidden behavior (doing drugs or alcohol). When someone is depressed, they may not be completely aware or may have a harder time talking about it.

As we have stressed all along, keep the lines of communication open with your teenager. If they’re feeling down, help them talk about it. In most cases, these feelings are temporary and kids can snap out of it with a bit of compassion and understanding. In other cases, it may be an indication of actual depression that may need professional help.

Signs of Depression: Teenagers get moody, but if these symptoms become persistent it might become problematic.

If your child has any of these symptoms on an ongoing basis, talk to you doctor or other trusted professional. They can refer you to a counselor or other professional to get your child the help she needs. When you decide to get your child help, talk to her about it. Give her some say in what steps are taken or she may be resistant to help.

3.5 Should You Kick Your Difficult Teen out the Home?

Sometimes parents feel like they have no choice, but to eject a difficult older child from the home. Even some professionals who deal with children recommend it, but is it the right answer? Do these children who are banished from their homes grow up to be responsible adults?

When our kids get out-of-control, it can seem like our only hope is to force our children to leave our home. Even professional counselors often advise that if children don’t respect the house rules and all options are exhausted, then children should consequently be removed from the home.

There may be situations where this is required, especially when your teenager is endangering the lives and safety of other family members, but it’s important to remember your teenager is still a child and needs your protection. And even more importantly, if you have not identified the underlying problem in your child’s behavior and attempted to help them resolve it, you may feel as though you’ve failed your child.

Throwing a child out of the home really should be a last resort and be reserved for times when family members lives are in danger. Other instances might include drug abuse or alcohol abuse that has gone so far, parents simply need to stop enabling the dangerous behavior. If you feel you are in any of these types of situations, definitely seek the help of a qualified and appropriate counselor.

In most cases, when a teenager will not listen to or follow the house rules, it is not simply the fault of the teenager. Communication is a two-way street and, as parents, we need to unsure we are able to communicate with our teenagers appropriately.

Parents need to take responsibility for their role in the breakdown of the family relationship. At the beginning of this guide, we talked about the foundations of a well-adjusted family life, but unfortunately, it’s not always reality. Add to that, if you wait until your child is already a teenager and when you start having problems, it’s not always easy to achieve. Opening the lines of communication and getting to know your child isn’t going to happen overnight. You need to dedicate yourself to fixing your relationship and then other thing will start to fall into place.

4. Where to Go Now: Make Your Relationship Right with Your Teenagers

Creating a meaningful close and relationship with your teenagers begins from the moment they are born. If you’re reading this guide, it’s likely because you have a teenager and you can’t turn back the clock. Regardless, if you have other younger children, take this time to evaluate how your relationship with them is developing. The foundations you lay out now, will carry you into the difficult teen years. Make sure you spend time together, talk and answer all your youngsters’ questions. Kids are so inquisitive and will ask just about anything. Don’t shy away from the tough answers or you will slowly close the door on communication. Of course, you’ll be answering in an age-appropriate manner, but don’t brush off the hard questions. You want your children to come to you when they need answers and support.

If you do have a problem with your teenager now, the best thing to do is to start correcting your own pattern of behavior. Of course, if you think there is a serious problem like substance abuse or depression, you also need to deal with that, but fixing your relationship is going to go a long way.

It’s now time to: * Spend more quality time with your kids.
* Talk to them. Not just about difficult subjects, but get to know them and discuss all kinds of things.
* Allow them their own thoughts and feelings. Just because their beliefs don’t fit in with yours, don’t mean they’re wrong.
* Give your child as much control and independence as possible. It’s not worth fighting over the little things like what they wear or how they style their hair.
* Know who your child is hanging out with and what she’s doing. Don’t nag. Have an open enough relationship, so you already have this information.
* Allow your children to bring friends in the home and get to know them.
* Listen to your children. Don’t feel compelled to hand out advice at every turn. Sometimes they just need someone to listen.
* Respect their privacy.
* When issues arise, discuss them diplomatically and don’t let things turn into an argument.
* Show and tell your kids you love them every single day.

Teenagers are on the brink of adulthood and what happens now has a deep impact on the rest of their lives. Be sure you stay in your children’s lives and provide the supportive environment they need.